You have a lot of good entries, where you are feeling OK, getting involved, doing better.
Until April 20, 1996.
April 20th (I think)
This last 2 weeks have been hard. On Monday, April 8th, I called Scott and asked for Ron--He said he didn't know if he'd be back. I asked him if Ron was still living there--he said no and he had a phone #, did I want it? I said no. I cried that night but mostly I felt numb an dmy mind wanted to scream no, oh no! Tues. morning I tried to get my mind on work but then at noon I was talking to Edwina and Cathy. I asked them if I should try to know who this woman was or if I was better off not knowing. I started to cry and then I left to go to St. Francis [Hospital to work] but couldn't quit crying. I drove around and tried to stop but couldn't. I wanted to get on the highway and keep running. I went to Lydia's and and sobbed & sobbed. I didn't go back to work or call. I know G. called while I was at Lydia's. When I got home I cried more. I started throwing up, I called G. and she took me to the Emergency Room (1st I called the 24-hr line but no one called back). They gave me a shot to help me stop throwing up. I slept until we went to St. Francis [Mental ward]. I wanted to go there to be safe.
Sun May 5th
I did feel safe at St. Francis because it was a locked ward and no one could get in unless I OK'd it at the front desk. They took away belts, shoelaces, pens and pencils-anything we could use to hurt people with (or hurt ourselves with) I felt a strong urge to kill myself or kill Ron and then myself. At the same time I didn't want to hurt myself or Ron. The guy seemed disgusted by me--he said Biodyne had already seen me for a year and here I was in the hospital again. I got really mad at him and drew pictures of him lecturing me.
I got out of St. Fancis 1 1/2 days later. . .I just can't get any interest going in the future. I know this is not healthy. I still just want out--away from the pain of life.
I don't even remember this. This one, in the line of hospitalizations and attempts, didn't even make my radar.